Letters from Scarfy
by Vision in Blue
Summary: Mark's infamous scarf writes letters to multiple characters in the RENT fandom. Multi-chapter CRACKFIC! Rated for swearing.
1. From Cameras to Akitas

Letters from Scarfy

_Mark's scarf decides to write the Boho's (and other interesting characters) a letter. MULTI CHAPTER CRACKFIC!_

**A/n: Homework, writing fanfiction. Continuing other fanfiction that I really should be getting a move on, following a burst of inspiration. Sleeping, writing letters from an inanimate object's point of view. Scarfy took over!**

**Disclaimer: Jonathan Larson owns Rent, and whoever had the idea of using the notorious Mark Scarf should get a statue in his/her honor.**

_Dear Mark_,

I've been with you ever since that Nanetter Himmelfarb girl gave this homemade stud to you on your fifteenth birthday. How's she doing? What? You lost contact with her after high school? She gave you your most prized possession; look at me! Who's been the one who didn't give you any crap when Roger was going through withdrawal? Who's the one who was with you through that phase where you wanted to be a writer? (Please, Mark, no. I got a glimpse at the manuscripts and _whewww_ did they suck!) Who's the one who was with you when you got dumped for a woman?!

Was I being mean? Eh, maybe; sorry. But still Marky- there are other fishies in the sea. Get out, get some. Roger and Mimi are kinda getting annoyed with you having fun with the camera in the loft every night. _That's what he, erm, IT said!!_ I think it's best if I remain genderless, actually. Maybe then all the fangirls won't write Mark/Scarf fanfiction…

In other news, more buddy-'ol-pal news, I want to tell you… good job. That documentary that took a year to film is kickass, if I do say so myself. Don't fall into sucky sequel syndrome!

_Your Scarf,_

Scarfy

_Dear Roger,_

It took a year, a whole load of pain and confusion, but you did it! You found your song. It's funny how sometimes what you're looking for is right beside you all along. You may not know about this, but I once longed to see the world. Travel from place to place, ya know? Then I kinda ended up here in Alphabet City, seeing the same places and faces day to day. And then I realized; I have seen all the aspects of the world from Mark's neck. There's the loser dork that everyone loves, Mark, the emo rocker who needs a hug, you, the person who everyone should have for a friend, Angel (RIP GIRLLL!), the girl with a lot of layers, Mimi, the girl who you want to hate but can't help wanting to be her best friend forever and ever, Maureen, the sensible sarcastic one, Joanne, the 'most-likely to rule the world' guy, Collins, the person who you have no remorse hating, Benny, and the person who you can blame all your crap on, Alison. I could've gone out to San Fran or something (I hear they have really good Rice-a-roni- all Mark ate in his sophomore year of high school was rice-a-roni, remember?) to see all that, but I didn't have to.

Anyway, kudos to finding a lover. It's hard being an inanimate object and finding someone to stay with you on the cold nights when life seems like crap. There's Mark, but I tend to serve as clothing; anyway I do most of the warming, so that doesn't count. You know what dude, you know this isn't going to last until the end of time, but just keep every moment close to ya. No day but today after all…

_Peace!_

Mark's Scarf

_Dear Mimi,_

High five girl, you got Roger out of his mega-big slump! I swear, if you think that it's bad watching Roger having an emo 'everything I write is crap/this guitar won't tune/dammit time just freeze stop ticking away/life sucks then you die' day is bad, you're lucky you weren't there for everything prior to the lighting of your stick of wax. Take all that, multiply it by the size of the empire state building, shove this idea through a bed of nails, bake at the temperature of a cold heart and you have Roger Post-April. It was awful; I'd never seen him get so depressed before. It was like what made Roger Roger had taken a little vacation indefinitely. Mark definitely cried about it (I should know- I not only serve as a neck-warming mechanism but a perpetual tissue, too), and you know that Mark doesn't cry unless it's major. Ok fine, there was the one time when he lost his ultra-rare pokemon card back in grade school, but that was a very long time ago. It killed him seeing his friend's life diminish as he stood helpless on the sidelines. Then you came in, and a choir of Angels (ANGEL!! RIP GIRL!!) suddenly surrounded the loft.

Speaking of Mark, I'm asking a little favor. I know you probably saved us all by entering Roger's life and such, but still- one _teensy_ little favor for Mark letting you stay in the loft with Roger (and putting up with the frequent 'scrunchie on the door means do not enter' moments.) Do you have a cousin, or anybody female and hot? Seriously, Mark needs to get out more. If not a cousin, maybe a forgotten friend from grade school, or a friend of a friend, or even some random person you met at your Abuela Carlita's funeral that you can't remember the name anymore? If this fails we'll have to resort to, *scarf shudder* INTERNET DATING.

_Forever indebted to you,_

Mark's Scarf

_Dear Alison_,

Thanks for screwing everything up. The next time I have to see you and your botox-d pasty-as-hell face, I'm going to flip the middle fringe at you. Not all dogs go to heaven, and yours is in DOGGIE HELL. HAH! SHE'LL SEE YOU AGAIN SOON, ONE BITCH TO ANOTHER!

_You suck!_

Mark's Scarf

_Dear Maureen,_

When you and Mark were going out, I think you asked him why he always had me on. It's up to him whether he wants to tell you my whole backstory, from thread to Alphabet City. Anyway, Pookie (mind if I call you that?) the least you can do after dumping Mark for Joanne (well, you know, at least you're happy together) is finding Mark a partner. Please, please, please, please…

Congrats on your protest; I would've moo'd if I could, ya know, talk, but here is a complimentary one:

MOO!!

Sweetheart, don't sell yourself out. Do what you love, and you know, just screw the rest. _That's what he, erm, IT said!_ I'm happy for you, I really am, but when you kinda cut Mark loose, _I_ had to deal with the aftershock.

_Moo Pookie!_

Mark's Scarf

**(A/n: The following will be touched upon (subject to change); Collins, Angel, April, Benny, Paul, Squeegee Man, Mrs. Cohen, and Joanne! Thanks for reading; would you light my literary candle by leaving a review? (; )**


	2. From Angels to Bulldogs

Letter's From Scarfy: PART TWO

**A/n: Whoo-hoo! Yay scarves! I want to thank the following for lighting my literary candle:**

**RIOTonAvenue-B, Phases of Obsession, SPEEEEEEEAK, and Yuki Hatashi**

**(:**

**Coming up in this chapter will be…:**

**Angel**

**Squeegee Man**

**Mrs. Cohen**

**And…**

**BENNY.**

**Please enjoy (:**

**Disclaimer: If you called my cell phone, it wouldn't exactly say "Hi this is Jonathan Larson. Tell me how you're measuring your life in love after the beep!" Therefore, I'm not Jonathan Larson nor am I impersonating him, so I don't own RENT. **

_Dear Angel_,

It's been heard, it's been said, many times many wayssssss… you're an Angel. Seriously, when you were born your mama must've had some kind of dream. If Maureen were to do a performance about your mama naming you, it'd probably go something like this:

Last night, I had a dream.

I found myself in a dark and dreary place, called New York City.

It was hot.

The air conditioner blew a fuse and it

Sucked.

Then, out of the abyss came a vision

An angel.

I asked him if I should name my newborn son Benny.

He said:

IIIIIII DON'T THINK THAT'S A GOOD

Idea.

SOON ENOUGH, THE NAME WILL BE

HATED! (hated… hated…hated…)

He said:

Why don't you name him Angel, then he won't go to hell…

Anyway, I know it's kind of awkward sending a letter to the Great Beyond, and it's even more awkward knowing that this letter was sent from the perspective of an inanimate object, but I want to say thank you. Thank you for all the hugs, kisses, shared joy, shared sorrow, and smiles. You have touched all our lives; you comforted Mark when he felt lonely and hopeless, you showed Roger that he would find his song and he shouldn't neglect what's right in front of him, you were a rock for Mimi for so long (and you continue to be one), and, well, I hadn't seen Collins any happier sober than when he was with you. So take care, keep watching over everyone, and can you make the other angels better outfits (white is kinda last century).

Muchas Hugs,

Mark's Scarf

_Dear Sqeegee Man_,

Honest living man!

Honest living, honest living,

Mark's Scarf

(Honest living, honest living…)

_Dear Mrs. Cohen_,

When will you understand that Mark isn't picking up the phone for a reason? Do you still think that it's coincidental that you always get the answering machine? You are still surprised after the drawn out 'SPEEEEAK' and then tone. Yes, that was a very loud beep. Yes, this is working. Yes, Mark is screening his calls and he knows it is you. He knows not to leave the hot plate on when he leaves the house. And if you were really sorry about Maureen dumping him for a woman, you wouldn't bring it up in a voicemail. In case you don't know how answering machines work (um, you probably don't, considering your shock after the tone), _anyone_ can hear them. Mark can hear it, and so can Roger. I can hear it, too. This results in a massive 'haha sucks to be you' slap on Mark's back from Roger, and an excessive tugging and repositioning of me courtesy of your son.

So please, _call_ (your own mother because Mark doesn't wanna talk to youuuuuu…)

Like, duh!

Mark's Scarf

_Dear Benny_,

Doesn't it suck knowing that people who you thought were there for you now think of you as a backstabber?

Doesn't it suck going back on every last idea you had once held close to your heart?

Doesn't it suck knowing that, as much as they try to forget regret, your friends will still acknowledge the invisible barrier between you and them?

Doesn't it suck knowing that your wife kicked you out and the girl you cheated on is now in a deep relationship with your former roommate?

Doesn't it suck being dissed by a scarf (no offense intended to myself)?

It must suck to be you.

Seriously, dude, you screwed up. You sold out, and now karma is somewhere laughing going, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha" and is sticking its tongue at you. Mark, of course, doesn't really want to rock the boat, so he's neither a friend nor enemy to you right now. Roger, naturally, wants you to go do something to yourself that begins with a 'fah' and ends with 'uck'. Collins appreciates paying for Angel's funeral, so out of the three boho boys, he's probably the one most likely to actually hold a conversation with you. Maureen still wants you to go to hell, by the way; Joanne is supporting her with this. Mimi wants to say, "_Thanks for the commitment, honey_", make out with Roger in front of you, and pretty much wants the same thing that Roger wants. Angel, because I have the sixth sense or something so I can communicate with her, says "Thank you for your generosity… but for cheating on Mimi, I want the same thing that she and Roger want."

What do I want?

I want you to read this letter, think to yourself, "Wow- my life is in the pits. I mean, I'm being dissed in a letter by a scarf. Maybe I should change my ways and start anew… somewhere else. I hear that the west coast has better options…"

Then you will move, and then the bohos will live happily ever after. The end.

So, assuming that you _are_ moving far, far, far, far, away, I have to just say "thank you" a couple times.

When you were rooming with us way back yonder, thanks for using me to mop up the beer you spilled when Mark took me off and laid me on the crappy couch.

When you were at Maureen's protest, thanks for calling the cops, because you sure looked stupid when the cops pulled into a lot filled with people saying "Mooo".

When you were careless that one time and Mimi discovered that you had a wife, thanks for not realizing that the large, provocative drawing and bubble letters of "you suck" keyed onto the front door of your Range Rover wasn't from a random hoodlum.

When Mimi was dying last Christmas, thanks for not having a spidey-sense and showing up. If you did, she would've died. Like, seriously, kicked the bucket and everything, party pooper. I mean, seriously, one look at _you_ and she may have decided "Oh, it's my time anyway. Sorry Roge- blame Benny!"

Oh, and _thank you_ for screwing all of us over.

Go to hell (heheh, maybe you'll see your wife/ex and your lousy dog!),

Mark's Scarf

P.S. I'M NOT A RAG TO MOP UP THE DRIBBLES OF YOUR ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE!!

P.S.S. Unlike your wife (ex? Meh, I'd rather follow those blonde bimbos Speidi and whatshisface around more than you), I decided that yelling at you will only get rolled eyes and "whatevers". So this letter was meant to be read calmly for maximum effect. All the yelling that could be received from this letter is in your imagination. The 'P.S.' part? Maybe that was me yelling. It was probably in your head, though.

**A/n: Coming up in the next (and most likely final) installment of 'Letters from Scarfy' will be… Collins, Paul, Joanne, and April. :blows out candle: It's out again, sorry 'bout your friend. Will you light my literary candleeeee? Well…**

**;D**


End file.
